"The Bigger They Are"

Here I sit, all bloody and bruised,
Evidence caked on my favorite shoes;
I tried to fight the street
But ended in defeat,
It’s gravity and mud that I accuse

"Dog Days Of Summer"

We started with two,
then adopted one more.
A friend needed help,
so we’re now up to four

Our youngest still bites,
the others warn with growl;
Can’t leave them alone—
Makes me just want to howl!

They’ve special diets,
but eat each other’s food;
Hope they won’t vomit—
Please have mercy, fur dudes!

Yellow got nervous
and emptied his bowel—
Cleaned up his pee too
with a fresh washèd towel

“I’ll dig thro’ the trash
while they’re out with that one,”
said and did th’ Brown—
We’ve had it, we’re done!

Lock them in kennels
for just a short time,
‘til butterfly farts,
and they all start to whine

“I know! Let’s all play”—
Should we inside or out?
Weather makes us sweat,
so we opt for the couch

They won’t share the toys,
and they step on my toes;
“OWW!” yell I. They pause,
sixteen legs all 'kimbo

We’ve suffered enough,
let’s just all go to bed;
We’ll rest and then wake
and do this over again

"I Just Washed My Hands"

I just washed my hands—
It doesn’t matter the reason;
I sang about a twinkling star
To ensure I had done my best

I wave at the "eye"
That triggers mechanical dance,
Then wait a whole, entire season
While the paper rolls way too far

End now drags the floor:
It’s gross, and I refuse to dry;
I step across and wave again—
Will it also try such treason?

It whirs—just a tick,
Produces one that’s way too short—
Water’d blot if I could e’en try;
I give up and just use my pants

Putting this to rest,
But I’ve a few more thoughts on it:
I have one more stanza before—
Grr… there is still damp on my thighs!

A one-inch bookmark,
And more sheets for my king-size bed;
I do not need or want these things:
All I want’s a towel…or four.

"Semiquincentennial"

Go-karts
Pizza
Pizza
Waiting for ice cream
Live music
Waiting for ice cream
Live music
Waiting with i
                      c
                         e

Anyone have a napkin?

Fireworks—
right overhead! 

                              c
                                r
                                  e America!

"I Need Coffee"

I had coffee earlier
Did I bring it in here?
Yes
There i—nope,
That’s not it
Here it is!
I need coffee

"Napkin Song"

Greasy, saucy drips
And ice-cold sips
(That sometimes spill)
Need a thing with soaking skill

Puffy paper that isn't soft
(Blow your nose but not too oft,
Or it'll get red and sore),
Perfect for milk not well-poured

Napkin, napkin! One or two;
Especially messy? Grab a few;
Napkin, napkin! Leave no trace
Much, much better than egg on your face

"Mosquitoes"

We're going to step outside
Where mosquitoes will surely bite
They really make you itch,
And with a lot of might,
They hold on really tight
It's hard to put them in sight
But if you slap
     and do it just right
You'll be free
     at least until tomorrow night


(with help from my three sons)

"An Epitaph For Fajitas"

Here lies T. R. Castor
She bought food for a meeting,
Overestimated how many were eating
The credit card, our boss had passed her
Now she's buried in this pasture

"$19.99"

I was surfing when I found this
Forgive me if you’ve seen before
But I have to share this info
I’m pretty sure this one’s a score

This guy was all charming
To those in studio audience
Showing off a product’s best features
Testifying, trying to convince

‘Cause he says, “Another thirty minutes,
Deal is over, oops out of time!”
So right now I’m gonna buy it ‘cause it’s $19.99

I was clicking when he added,
“This is awesome, but wait, there’s more!
Act now, we’ll double offer!
Deals like this aren’t in the stores”

Stuff is all around me
But my shelf is not yet full
Time to instant gratify
“Credit by phone or go online, use PayPal”

‘Cause he said, “Another twenty minutes,
Deal is over, oops out of time!”
So right now I’m gonna buy it ‘cause it’s $19.99

---

adapted from "1999"
Prince, 1982
Sony Music Entertainment

"I Don't Wanna Go Sleep"

I don’t wanna go sleep,
I’ve had too much caffeine
There’s a million things that I could do,
Just time me: fifteen!

I don’t wanna go sleep,
I’ve had too much caffeine
I’m not my best without my rest,
Gotta roast me some fresh beans

From wall to wall I’m bouncing again—
It’s the biggest joy buzz there is (with fizz!)

I dont wann go slep, cuz mayb if I do
I woldn’t catc m favrit shw
Mor Coke, mo Pep—misd step!
I thk I wil go get me sum slasdf;ld...

---

adapted from "I Don't Wanna Grow Up"
Linda Kaplan Thaler, 1982
Toys "R" Us / WHP Global

"Voodoo DNF"

There were no crooks or nannies about
But nooks and crannies abound
I think I checked them all
I sure wish I knew who to call

---

GC3BBBF

"Snickers"

Hungry? Why wait?
Chocolate won't waste
Might go to your waist

Advertising is genius
Packed with peanuts
Quick way to protein us

Calories are king-sized
Due in part to caramelized
Nonetheless, it satisfies

You're not you, man,
When you're hungry for nougat
Share one (with Ted Nugent?)

Candy-licious, a name it needs
How about a Martian steed?
(Gives a flippant, hidden laugh) Indeed

"How Do I Take A Shower?"

Google it
...

Soap and plumbing shopping spree?
Several articles that all disagree

A hot one makes you look old
But few can tolerate the cold

Some “experts” say it’s best at night
Others consider bed-head fright

Don’t overdo it and do take care
Here’s a schedule to condition my hair

Soaps and scrubs all organic
Or just a sudsy bar in a panic

All these rules and regulations!
I don’t even know—what’s exfoliation?

Did my research and still haven’t started
Just...ugh! How do you turn on the water!?

"The Quest"

A questing journey to mountain’s peak
Thro’ forests dark and battles thick
almost severing hope’s endless wick
‘Tis an answer our heroes seek

Traveling trio with hearts all true
with bow, with arrow, with sword and shield
A year or more, and far afield
They’re loyal and strong, courageous too

They fight their way thro’ monsters large:
spiders, trolls, and countless beasts
fierce dragons, too, ‘til fires cease
An army’s call? They lead the charge

Of no value are shining gold,
sparkling gems, and magic rings
To them, these treasures don’t mean a thing
“Expenses only,” they’ve spoken bold

Amongst themselves, they quarreled a season
A fair maiden’s hand they pursued,
but she eloped—some other strong youth
Suddenly, there was no reason

They passed right by the youthful fountain,
a map and key to Shangri-La,
and ogre pursued by angry mob
Steadfast, they approached the mountain

Up, up! Above the clouds they climb
One final test before they quit,
but not all are fated to make it:
Two fell while rumbling rocks did slide

The last adventurer did not stop
Wiped frostbit nose with tattered sleeve,
decided he had no time to grieve,
Beaten, bloody, he crawled to top

“Young man, what is it that you wonder?”
the wise man asked, patient hands clasped
“Dear Sage,” said he thro’ faint final gasp,
“Toilet paper: over—or under?”

"Pinto The Frog"

In the strange case of Pinto the frog,
"Innocent," he pleads (for the green fog)
He claims a magic fruit
Was the real cause of toot;
At least he didn't point to the dog

"Pile Of Carpet"

There once was a man from San Marcos

Came home to a strange pile of carpet

Didn’t know what it was,

Scratched a chin full of fuzz,

And said, “P’raps I’ll take it to market”

"A Different Kind Of Spider"

The itsy bitsy spider crawled on my writing pad
Down came my hand and squashed the spider flat
Out came the towel to clean up yucky blob
But this itsy bitsy spider had brothers in the Mob

More itsy bitsy spiders began to weave a web
Out came the silk—they tied up both my legs
Then went my hands and finally my eyes
And the itsy bitsy spiders did ransom me for flies

---

adapted from "The Itsy Bitsy Spider"
Traditional, ca.1910
Public domain

"You Won't Get It"

Intelligent conversation
Nose bop reparation
Sock-a-doodles
Ira’s snack and Noodles
Don’t forget your lunch
Exploding onesie

Jungling balls
Ooof and Shoe Falls
Kibble breath sin
Exploding onesie strikes again
Szzzzt…repent!

"A Sage's Christmas Wish"

Changing bulbs
On a ladder
Have to pee!
Need a bigger bladder

Grandson crying
What’s the matter?
Must now wee!
Wish I had a bigger bladder

Dramatic movie
Could get sadder
Missed that scene
Really need a bigger bladder

Better hurry
Just might splatter
Had to wee
Should’ve had a bigger bladder

"Still Not Awake"

Beep, beep, beep!
    Snooze
Beep, beep, beep!
    Snooze
Beep, beep, beep!
    Up!

Feet to floor
Aim at bowl
Soap to hands
Lather, rinse
Hands to face

Bowl, spoon, milk, mug
Cereal, coffee

Soap to hands
Hands to hair
Lather, rinse
Lather, rinse
Soap to sponge
Sponge to parts
Lather, rinse

Hair brushed
Teeth combed
Clothes, kiss, keys

Wait
Where are my sneakers?